After following America’s example and electing their own celebrity leader, former football international and pundit, Gary Lineker, became Prime Minister in a landslide victory defeating the Conservative Party after fifteen lackluster years in power. Running on a campaign almost solely financed by Walker’s Crisps, PM Lineker’s first decree was to do away with Britain’s regular favorite salt n’ vinegar flavored crisps and to replace them with a more multicultural flavor. After a snap referendum, Chicken Tikka Jalfrezi won narrowly over Lamb Kebab, becoming the nation’s new flavor of choice. Chip shops, by law, were only permitted to be on every third street to allow for minority food outlets to compete in a decolonized environment. State school lunches became strictly gluten-free and a soy protein-based vegetarian alternative was provided instead of meat, after much pressure from PETA.
School curricula were significantly amended, under the guidance of Bob Geldof. History was now taught from the perspective of minority groups, including LGBT and PoC, all the way from the Norman invasion to the 1979 election. Thatcher’s eleven year period as Prime Minister has been erased from the history books and the Soviet Union’s economic model has been heralded as the ideal that Britain is to pursue in the future. Only Post-Keynesian economic theory is accepted in schools and universities, mentioning the Chicago or Austrian School of economics in front of lecturers now constitutes sufficient grounds for expulsion. Geography is taught from a radical Marxist lens as social inequalities are a product of environment and Eurocentric colonialism. The Department of Education decided to open polyglot state schools in more diverse areas with the intention of increasing cultural understanding, but were faced with a crippling lack of willing staff.
Lineker’s government promised to move towards a cutlery-free world, in part due to a thinly veiled attempt to bolster Walker’s Crisps sales, and to promote cultural awareness. Steel cutlery has now been abolished, with possession carrying a harsh life sentence. Plastic cutlery can only be purchased from designated stores, but only with a £525.50 license which has an average two month waiting period. Schools have banned the use of pens and pencils, switching to touchscreen technology as a measure to prevent violence on school grounds. Fingernails must be kept trimmed and cannot outgrow the nail plate by 3mm as this would be considered a potentially deadly weapon. Competitive sports have been abolished as they are believed to foment a high testosterone and unsafe environment.
A steep progressive tax rate has been implemented in order to continue financing the generous welfare payments offered to African and Middle-Eastern migrants. The top tax rate levied on earnings greater than £50,150 P/A has now reached 90%. Super wealthy individuals who have attempted to move their assets offshore have been detained and imprisoned for their treason. PM Lineker raised the minimum wage to £23.25 an hour across all age groups under grandiose pretenses of wealth equality, soon after lowering the voting age to four. Within Lineker’s first quarter in power, GDP rose by 36% through sheer government spending, but 64% of small business closed down after the minimum wage tripled and tax rates soared. 50% of the budget was now devoted to social programs, 20% for police, and the remaining left over to rebuild the crumbling National Health Service. The Trident nuclear program was disbanded and the military was drastically downsized, then merged with Police Service. In an audacious move to celebrate tolerance, the Police’s diversity budget was increased to £150bn P/A, funneled to repainted electric patrol cars with rainbows and to increase social media presence.
The BBC also significantly increased their diversity budget after the TV license was quadrupled after the forced closure of all news outlets to the right of the Guardian. As part of the BBC’s diversity program, no more than 15% of presenters were allowed to be white, and 35% of presenters must have a visible physical disability or show clearly flamboyant LGBTQ+ traits. Social media also experienced intense clampdowns. Former Conservative or UKIP supporters were denied access to social media platforms, while those with more nationalist leanings were incarcerated for Xenophobia, which sometimes carried a heftier punishment under Lineker’s Britain. After long drawn out negotiations and a £200bn bill, Lineker finally managed to rejoin the EU, to the delight of many London celebrities.
Whole London boroughs have become 0% white. Over 2 million native Brits from London have either left the country or have fled to the country. PM Lineker is currently looking to redress any demographic inequalities in each constituency by imposing tough racial quotas. Caustic liquids have become unregulated and made VAT-free after significant pressure from activists claiming racial insensitivity due to “price gouging”, given their skyrocketing demand. Around 150-200 acid attacks occur daily in London. The BBC and state schools offer cosmetic courses to both sexes and each 137 recognized genders, if they have been victims of an acid attack. Female genital mutilation, child gender reassignment surgery, postnatal abortions, supervised breast ironing, and breast augmentations have all been offered on the NHS, free of charge to minority groups. Terror attacks occur on a regular basis. Social media users are encouraged to virtue signal. Lineker’s government-run think tanks, spearheaded by Lily Allen, write clever slogans and hashtags to flaunt their superior tolerance. Burkas are now the rage. Several British women have converted to Islam as an act of solidarity to their Muslim compatriots. Any remaining Christian men are considered oppressors and are, therefore, subject to a 90% flat tax and excluded from any social programs, in the name of tolerance.
Marriage outside of Islam is criminalized as an outdated institution. Children born into an intact relationship are taken into state-sponsored foster care as they maybe indoctrinated into contagious unfashionable values – it is 2025, after all! There is no greater crime than intolerance in Lineker’s Britain. The death penalty was reintroduced to deal with the vilest of racists or any covert Brexiteers. A diversity and inclusion program, outlining plans to ramp up the inflow of African migrants to 1.2 million a year has been championed by a range of important public figures. As a result of unrestrained migration, house prices have more than doubled in the last three years, seeing tent sales break all sorts of records. Sixteen executions took place after it was discovered that former Brexiteers privately expressed their discontent at the diversity and inclusion program. But, this is the new Britain; progress must be achieved at all costs in order to secure an equitable and socially just society. To really achieve the utmost collective good, some troublemakers may have to be removed to ensure the smooth transition of a forward-looking Britain into a 21st century paradise.
Orwell & Goode (a pun for “all well and good”) is a Youtuber, blogger, and an economics masters degree student. Follow him on Twitter @OrwellnGoode
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