Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson Declares He Lives Life As A Gay Man After Fumbled Remarks On Jailed UK-Iranian Woman

A shocking revelation that no one saw coming has gripped Westminster today. After years of no one asking or caring about Boris Johnson’s sexuality, the Foreign Secretary dropped a bombshell on social media this morning that he has chosen to live his life as a gay man.

Court Jester Boris, 53, made the declaration in a post on Twitter. He wrote:

“I have a lot of respect and admiration for all countries. I’m beyond horrified to hear how I keep making blunders and embarrassing England. I honestly do not remember any of these gaffes. I owe you all an apology for what is deeply inappropriate drunken behavior on my behalf, and I am sorry for the feelings the country describes having carried me through Westminster all these years.

My wiffle-waffle has encouraged me to address other things about my life. As those closest to me know, I am married with several children and even a love child or five. However I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, yes really, and I choose now to live as a gay man. They don’t call me the Bullingdon bear for nothing. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

We commend Boris on his bravery and hopes he lives his life to the fullest.

Meanwhile, British-Iranian woman Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe remains serving a five year term in Iran after being accused of espionage. The term may be increased after Boris’s remarks that “she was simply teaching people journalism” have been cited as proof of Zaghari-Ratcliffe’s guilt that she engaged in “propaganda against the regime.”

Oh Boris, what are you like? Happy ‘Coming Out’ day!

From London, England, Alizee is a satirical contributor for New Media Central.