You’re in the dry & arid country of Mexico and you look northwards for a better life. In your little piece of the world not far from where you live mayors get assassinated the same day they get elected. There’s no way you are a refugee, so applying for that is out of the question. I mean, you’re impoverished compared to American standards but getting in via that route is equally as arduous. You just live in a semi-narco state where anybody can be purchased and drug cartels decide who is in charge.
Your friend’s families receive wire transfers of money all the time from their counterparts working in America. Your little town isn’t really being over run by the cartel, but boy, are they a pain in the ass. You still want a piece of that sweet American pie.
Coyotes cost thousands of dollars (You’ve heard prices ranging from 4 grand to 12 grand.) and it isn’t a guarantee you’ll get across the border at all. You can die on the trek or be caught by border patrol. What is something that hasn’t been tried before?
An idea jolts your skin! A feeling as if lightning has struck the tips of the hair on your head to the hair on your toes. You have a cousin in San Diego with an Uber account. Why not use his, take some of the money saved for a coyote and put it towards clothing to look more American. The Hillary Won 2016 t-shirt you’re wearing has really been faded by the sun.
So, you take the bus journey to Tijuana. It’s unpleasant. Eventually you get there and log into your cousin’s Uber account. Your cousin says he has a white driver that he uses, is interested, but is skeptical about the payoff. Now it is time to roll the roulette wheel because the driver your cousin sends has to be up for sneaking you in his trunk. Hopefully the $6,238 you saved up will be enough to clear his conscious.
You wait outside a popular bar as the driver pulls up. He’s a white guy as his cousin stated. This will bring less suspicion. He is average looking. It seems like he does this part time for extra cash. He reeks of desperation. Jackpot! You give him your proposal. You tell him to just say to the border guard you had a fare to drop off in Tijuana and now you are on your way back. Uber drivers can cross to drop off fares in Tijuana just not the other way around, so it is common for patrol agents to deal with Uber drivers. I’ll be in the trunk. The driver makes 4k. No cartels. No coyotes, No long treks through arid lands.
At this point the driver is staring at you in disbelief as you hold 4 thousand american dollars. He says, ” I don’t even make that in a month.” You can see the driver’s eyes go from shock to planning in his head what he can do with the money.
“Alright”, the driver says. “I’m in”
The trunk is snug but thankfully this isn’t even the most difficult part of the journey. When you were back in Durango you had to sit right next to this smelly woman for three hours. It was as if she swallowed a fish, vomited it back up and put the vomit in her shoes. As the car rolls along you go over in your mind that this money is your life savings, but at least it’s cheaper than a smuggler and you’ll have some left over when you get to the US.
The car stops. You can hear the loud engines of trucks. You’re at the border. You slowly roll up the line and hope the driver can keep his cool. The driver explains to the officer he dropped of a fare in Tijuana and he was back to the US to go back to work. You hear some mumbles and the car begins to roll. An agent yells, “Stop! Stop!”
The agent says something apologetically and tells the driver to go ahead.
We made it. No cartels. No smugglers. No trips through the land of heat stroke.
You ride all the way to San Diego and the car stops on a quiet residential corner. The trunk pops open and you hand him the 4 grand as promised. He wishes you well and zooms off. Ahhhhhhh, now to live the American dream. Thanks Uber!
To the reader,
I know this is filed under “satire.” However, Uber has actually been used to smuggle illegal aliens before.
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- Mexican Uses Uber to Sneak Over Border - March 22, 2019
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- The Patriarchy Show Episode 65 Guest Pat Dixon - December 5, 2018
- The Patriarchy Show Episode 63 “Insane Caravan Posse” Guest Zidan - October 23, 2018