In news that has shocked and upset the nation, best-selling children’s book author A.R. Seymour has announced that she needs kneecap surgery on both patellas due to excessive wear and tear from continuous moral grandstanding. The critically acclaimed writer announced the sad news this morning on Twitter*:

“My friends, due to standing up to millions of right-wing trolls, the fascists have claimed another victim… my own two legs… 1/4786.”

A.R began the thread, and ended with:

 “Anyway, fuck Trump. This is all his fault. Tosser. #NotMyPresident 4786/4786.” A.R tweeted from the United Kingdom.”

*Due to article character limitations we are unable to print all of the tweets.

Fans were quick to point out the parallels between A.R’s real-life situation and a scene from book 5, chapter 12, paragraph 13 of Barry Watter and the Literal Fascists, in which protagonist Barry Watter gets kicked in the knees by the antagonist Orange Witchking for stalking him during a game of golf. One Twitter user noted:

“Wow! Omg, it’s like Barry Watter can be applied to any real-world scenario, it’s like a perfect allegory for life! I am shooketh! A.R is #woke!”

To gather more information about the nature of A.R’s operation, we spoke exclusively to an anonymous source from a private hospital. He said:

“We have seen an incremental rise in requests for this procedure over the past 18 months; our clientele is almost entirely vocal celebrities. I can’t name names, but several months ago a very prominent virtue signaling sportsman had one of his knees fixed with us. All I can say is, he really likes his crisps.”

Our insider then went on to explain the procedure works:

“We firstly rebuild the kneecaps with titanium plates and screws, before injecting the patient with a lack of self-awareness that then enables the client to grandstand for hours, possibly even days at a time with the utmost of ease.”

As this type of surgery is becoming more popular amongst the rich and famous, we can be sure that more celebrities will be letting their well-informed opinions be heard in the current political climate.

A source close to A.R. Seymour informed us that after this operation A.R is in talks with Elon Musk to engineer an entirely lifelike bionic hand. This is due to claims that the writer’s finger bones are becoming too worn down from spending 10 hours per day blocking right-wing trolls on twitter. Our source states that although it gives A.R a heavy heart that she is unable to provide the money to house refugees, she feels that funneling millions of pounds into developing Cyborg hands will be much more beneficial to society.

A.R. Seymour is reportedly planning to release 21 sequels to her book series that ended 10 years ago in a bid to fund this bionic hand.


You can find the author on Twitter @AlizeeYeezy

From London, England, Alizee is a satirical contributor for New Media Central.