Prohibitory Masturbation Joke Bill Makes Headway To Becoming Law 4/11/18, by Kaiter Enless

Yes, yes, get the giggling out of the way, the headline is preposterous and even I cracked a grin upon seeing a piece of legislation which sought the prohibition of masturbation. Upon digging into the meat of the matter and seeing how close the bill is to becoming law, the grinning swiftly subsided. The bizarro bill is called, House Bill 4260, dubbed the “Men’s Right To Know Act,” and was proposed by the Texan Legislator, Rep. Jessica Farrar and entails a number of absurdities, chiefly, a fine of $100 per known masturbatory session as well as a required rectal examination for any man who wishes to purchase the sexual supplement and erectile dysfunction corrective, Viagra. Not really so funny anymore, is it? Rep. Farrar would agree, as she stated in a interview with

“A lot of people find the bill funny. What’s not funny are the obstacles that Texas women face every day, that were placed there by legislatures making it very difficult for them to access healthcare.”

By “healthcare” she is referring to abortions. Farrar is a democrat and, as per usual, vehemently opposed to anything which would curb the wanton murder of developing babies. Thus, the point of her “joke” bill is obvious satirization of existing Texas anti-abortion legislation that could potentially penalize a mother who murders her unborn child by up to five years in prison. For instance, the bill also proposes that any man who is undergoing procedures such as vasectomies should be given a “Men’s Right To Know” booklet (a parodic take on the Women’s Right To Know booklet which is distributed to women considering a abortion) and also demands that men’s semen (spilled outside of copulatory efforts) be stored until their partner requires it for fertilization. The obvious point here to make is that the parody (whilst passingly humorous) doesn’t really work because there is no parity between the actions. Semen is what goes into creating a human being but is obviously not a human being in-and-of-itself; a fetus – and certainly a fetus with a brain and developing nervous system – is a human being. One can recant the tired old line, “-but when does it really become a person-” if one pleases, but it should be undeniable that a fetus with a beating heart and a functioning brain IS clearly a human being. To compare the (purposeful, intentional) killing of a child to a man pleasuring himself and spilling his seed is laughable, or rather it would be if the former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton hadn’t just thrown her unironic support behind it, remarking, “I don’t know. The bill may be satirical but the message sure resonated.” With whom? Despite Hillary Clinton’s severely diminished political capital, she still has pull within devout progressive, left-liberal and neoliberal circles and thus, the declaration of support is not trivial. A testament to the seriousness of the matter is the fact that the bill is currently moving forward in the legislation; filed on 3/10/17, the bill is presently in committee. Now, this bill probably isn’t going to go anywhere, but the very fact that anyone associated with it actually allowed the idiotic (and potentially quite harmful) paper to even be filed attests to their mental inadequacy; small wonder the nation is fracturing, the circus is being run from the monkey cage!

I’ve often criticized the recklessly ironic – those who spit venom and then, when challenged, whine, “I was only joking, can’t you take a joke!” – Farrar’s bill is a perfect showcase as to why.

As a side note, Farrar is a strong supporter of the LGBTXXXetc movement; it is thus, rather odd that she was so thoughtless to fail to include proper exemptions for homosexual men, as they would be the most severely penalized of all!

Kaiter Enless is a NMC columnist and the founder of TLC.